


before 21

by rantachi



Category: Ensemble Stars, Ensemble Stars! (Video Game), Ensemble stars!, enstars
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Polyamory, Suicide, im sry my 1st post on this acc is literally nothing but angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:58:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8048503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rantachi/pseuds/rantachi
Summary: Call him a player, a casanova. He didn't really mind. Better to break their hearts now then in a few years, after all. Kaoru knew he'd never make it past high school.





	before 21

Kaoru can remember when he first walked into Yumenosaki Academy.

He walked in with a smile and a laugh, established himself early on into his freshman year as the flirt, the player, the laid-back and lazy student who skipped classes as much as anyone could remember and yet still got passing - fuck, really _good_ grades. He established himself quickly as someone who wasn't for long-term commitment, and he upheld that reputation as long as he could. Kaoru could charm most of the girls he talked to into a kiss and a fuck and he never kept a girlfriend for longer then a week at best.

Call him a player, a casanova. He didn't really mind. Better to break their hearts now then in a few years, after all. Kaoru knew he'd never make it past high school.

 

He joined UNDEAD in his second year. That was fine, too - he'd always had a passion for preforming, for singing. He had a good stage personality and years of experience of charming fans and playing up his flirty, social persona. And the unit's schedule being centered around the night was just a nice addition, keeping his schedule fairly free.

He met Rei from joining UNDEAD, and the two hit it off immediately. There was something unspoken and comfortable between them - Kaoru trusted Rei so easily, so immediately. He was easy to talk to. He wondered sometimes if Rei didn't share what he had, an elaborately crafted persona and a love for preforming that gave him a reason to keep going. Kaoru never asked, of course, because it would be rude and because if Rei was anything like how Kaoru was he'd just blow off the blonde's words and change the topic. Somehow, he found comfort in that.

He joins the marine life club a little after UNDEAD, because Kanata's a smooth-talker and honestly, it's perfect for him, he can skip it as much as he wants and always be able to come back to hang out and sleep and annoy the other two members. The ocean's always been a comfort for him anyways, and surfing is a nice excuse for him to join. It helps Souma is a looker, and that's when he starts questioning his sexuality, but he never says anything and laughs off the many times Souma lunges at him with a sword as if it doesn't hurt a bit he's already so hated. He wishes his entire life didn't hinge on others' opinions of him, but he also wishes he had a normal, full family and he wishes he was a professional idol already and none of that ever has come true so he supposes he'll learn to stop wishing someday. He pretends 'Marine Life Club Disgrace' doesn't hurt him a lot more then it does, and he tries to move on.

Koga and Adonis, he doesn't hit it off with them at first. Koga fits Rei's nickname for him, he's a violent guard dog - _Rei's_ violent guard dog - and it's endearing but incredibly annoying, and Kaoru sarcastically tells him to go suck Rei's dick the first argument they have. Koga lunges for him, and he laughs. He also laughs even when Koga slugs him in the stomach and he collapses to his knees.

Adonis, he's hard to read and Kaoru never knows what to think about him. Rei orders Adonis to drag him to practice and he obeys, and he glares at Kaoru intentionally or unintentionally a lot, especially when girls are concerned. It wounds him a little that his unit-mates would think him so lowly as to ever even speak to a girl without her permission, but he supposes he's made this reputation for himself. At least to the guys.

 

He coasts through his second year, slowly easing out of his constant arguments with Koga and skipping marine life club half the time. By the time he's in his third year he's been questioning his sexuality and sleeping around almost full-time, and sometimes he makes a living out of it, because he has a pretty face and he's a good fuck and sometimes people throw tips his way. Kaoru hates himself for it, but he can't resist it and sex makes him feel like he matters for a little while. He hopes he dies before he hits 21, because then he'll die young and beautiful and won't lose the only thing he has going for him. 

He watches Yumenosaki's decline and the slow rise of it again, and he watches the new transfer student, the new Producer come in and change everyone's lives - he flirts with her, but he's never been so coldly rejected and he gets the hint even if he continues to try. It's hollow flirting the next time he does it, and he does it to save face. Kaoru doesn't blame Anzu, and he's not blind and he sees how she looks at Wataru and Fine.

 

By Kaoru's third year he's been doubting how heterosexual he really is. His doubts go out the window when he realizes he baits Koga for much more then fun, and how suddenly the little things the wolf does make Kaoru smile or laugh just a little bit more. He feels nothing but fear and guilt when he realizes as the days go by he's falling for Koga, and he feels worse when it dawns on him those sticky, warm, sweet feelings he feels towards Koga he feels towards Adonis, too.

He wonders what happened to keeping everyone an arm's length from him, never falling in love, because all he'll ever do is disappoint them and hurt them in the end. Kaoru's a fucking fool, and he knows it, and he bites on his tongue hard enough to draw blood every time his hands slip down his pants thinking of his unit-mates, and every time he falls asleep to hopeful dreams of kissing Koga, of falling asleep in Adonis's arms, of having a nice life with the two of them.

He caves, after a while, and he goes to Rei and he breaks down. He's grown to trust Rei entirely, because Rei understands how he feels and the vampire had the life experience and advice of someone who lived many, many years longer then 18 and it would make him believe that Rei was a vampire if his unit leader hadn't already bitten him once. Rei's nice to him and gently pats his head while Kaoru cries and acts like a fool throwing a tantrum because he's in love for the first time.

Rei listens to him, listens to Kaoru have his sexuality crisis that he somehow didn't have earlier in his life, and waits for him to finish before he speaks. 

"Just tell them, Kaoru. Our little doggie, he's grown up and past his barking and whining for me, hmm? And...fufu. Perhaps your feelings aren't as unrequited as you believe." 

Kaoru manages a hollow laugh to that. "Thanks for trying to make me feel better, Sakuma. Throw a dog a bone, huh? Haha...but, besides, it's not like I've ever asked a guy out before. I wouldn't know what to do, anyways."

Rei sighs, and clicks his tongue once or twice before responding. "It's true, you know. I'm not blind, and I can see the way the little doggie looks at you. But... if it's love advice you need, why not try a hand at lyricwriting, hmm? Fufu~ If we're to go pro, even if I _am_ unit leader, you'll need the practice anyways. Guys are similar to girls, you know? Make it heartfelt~"

Kaoru laughs again, but it's more of a verbal tic, as he seriously thinks about what Rei says, and he sighs and leans back against the wall, slumping to the floor. Heartfelt... he could try. He'd never been heartfelt in his life. He thinks about what a fool he is, what a mistake he's making, but he can't bring himself to tell himself how bad of an idea confessing would be.

"Yeah, I could try. Heartfelt, huh~? I'm always famous for making the girls fall all over me by wearing my heart on my sleeve, so I guess that's not too hard. Haha~" He forces a laugh and a smile, before letting his tone and smile drop. "...Thanks, Rei. It...I appreciate it."

"Anytime, Kaoru~ Fufufu, you can always come back if you need advice on wooing the little doggie. After all, I seem to have made him quite smitten!"

Kaoru genuinely laughs at that, and a little part of him wonders when the last time he genuinely laughed was. For the first time, he realizes that he honestly doesn't know the answer to that question.

 

He spends the next week writing lyrics, shredding copies of papers and starting again, printing drafts to hum and sing and write a melody to only to shred up and throw away to start anew. He wants it to be perfect, because _fuck,_ if he was going to make a huge mistake by confessing then he was at least going to make it worthwhile. _At the least, maybe they could sing a love song for the unit, once this all fails miserably,_ he thinks bitterly.

He gives up on lyricwriting the eighth day and starts writing a letter instead. Kaoru can't write heartfelt love song lyrics but he has an eloquent way of speaking when he wants and he finds a letter is so, so much easier for him. He thinks about telling Rei sorry he didn't follow the vampire's advice, but he decides against it with a hint of a smile. 

His sisters wonder why he stays up until 6 am lately and has a quieter, faraway look on his face, but he'll never be able to say why. 

 

He perfects the letter, he seals it in an envelope and he spends time handwriting Koga's name on the first one and Adonis's on the second in fancy, perfect lettering, and he sneaks it into their desks before practice starts. He books it to the beach immediately after, because the sea's the only thing that's proven to calm his nerves, and he sits on the sand and listens to the waves while pretending he wasn't ready to drop dead from nerves at any moment.

The next day, he drags himself to school and finds a scrawled note on his desk saying to meet him in the light music club room well before practice. Kaoru barely recognizes the handwriting, and he feels foolish that he doesn't instantly recognize it, because Rei's handwriting is beautiful and Koga's is much more scrawled and wild and Adonis's...romantic feelings or not Adonis's is awkward and he has to squint to read, but that's alright. Kaoru's heart is pounding in his throat and he shoves the note in the pocket of his school uniform and tries to sit through class that day as if his heart wasn't about to fail any minute.

He heads to the light music club room too fast, he knows he's practically running and yet he can't find the energy in him to care about that at the moment, even if he gets odd looks by the other students as he sprints to practice for the first time in his life. Kaoru hesitates at the door and suddenly dizziness and fear hits him like a ton of bricks, threatening to force him to pass out, but he forces the door open anyways and slams it not-so-gently behind him before he has a chance to back out.

Koga and Adonis are waiting for him, loitering around the room, Adonis's face buried in a magazine and Koga focusing on the wall. Kaoru's heart drops to the pit of his stomach, and he finds himself bitterly resentful that he got his hopes up - of _course_ they would use this as a ploy to get him to practice, he's such a _fool_ -

"Oi, playboy bastard, you gonna come any closer or just stand by the fuckin' door lookin' like a damn ghost?" Koga's voice snaps him out of whatever daze he's in, and he forces a smile, hoping it doesn't look as bitter as he felt.

"Y-yeah, yeah, of course, haa~ So, what...what's so urgent you left a note on my desk to come to practice early, h-huh? Sakuma's not even here, and--"

"Shut up." He does. Kaoru stops in his tracks, and the tiny bit of him still functioning regularly notes that he's shaking violently. He inhales quietly and exhales, and nods weakly to Koga in acknowledgement.

"You know exactly why I called you here, idiot." Koga grumbles, noticeably avoiding eye contact with the blonde and taking an interest in his shoes, and it makes a bit of Kaoru function normally again to idly register that he never really realized that the wolf was the _tsundere_ type.

"That, I, ah..." Kaoru fumbles helplessly, at a loss for words and feeling his throat tighten a bit. "...are you going to give me an answer, then?" 

There's silence that falls over the room after that, and Kaoru feels like the ground could crack open and swallow him at any moment. What if he was wrong, oh god, what if they had just tricked him to practice and threw _out_ his stupid fucking letters and--

"...W-we, yeah, we fuckin'... talked about it after practice. The vampire bastard, he had that stupid fuckin' twinkle in his eyes that makes you know he knows exactly what's going on and left practice early, and-- fuck, okay, you make things fucking difficult to talk about, you fuckin' playboy bastard!" Koga's voice noticeably has a tiny tremble to it that makes Kaoru feel simultaneously just a little bit better and a whole lot worse. He doesn't say anything, just swallows and weakly nods to them both to go on.

"...What Oogami is saying is...well. We...ended up talking about it, as we both got the same type of letter from you." Adonis finally pipes up, meeting Koga's eyes briefly as Koga gives a weak nod of his own in appreciation to the other. "...And...if you're willing to try, Sakuma-senpai has... well, told us about 'polyamory'. An open relationship, so to speak...I suppose you informed him of your decision to confess, as he casually asked us about it last week..." 

Kaoru wonders if he's dreaming, because good things never happen to him and he feels light-headed and everything being spoken to him feels much too good to be true. He doesn't want to wake up, if he is dreaming, and he manages a weak nod of acknowledgement because his voice isn't cooperating with him and he feels like if he moves he'll drop dead on the spot.

"...Well?! Are you- are you gonna fuckin' say anything, bastard?!" Koga snaps shakily, shooting daggers at the blonde, and Kaoru swallows in equal parts surprise and nervousness. "It's- it's a fucking yes, dumbass!" 

"...Ah, I'm, I'm glad, ah..." Kaoru stammers it out, feels years of practice pretending he's calm, and collected, and social fail him at once as the realization of the situation dawns on him, and all of a sudden the room's spinning a little too much and he hears Koga and Adonis shout in surprise before his head abruptly meets the hardwood floor, to his confusion, and then his vision goes out.

 

He wakes up later in the same room, with the addition of Rei this time - Koga's arguing with him, and Adonis is _very_ close to Kaoru's face with a concerned expression, and briefly Kaoru wonders if he was dreaming, after all. Then Adonis's face relaxes a bit, and he leans back with a relieved sigh before speaking, turning around to catch the attention of the vampire and wolf bickering at the door.

"He's awake, Sakuma-senpai, Oogami. I think he's fine."

"What- what happened?" Kaoru's voice is surprisingly weak and confused as he tries to sit up, feeling a wave of dizziness sweep over him in the process and almost collapsing back down. "W-why's, what's... why's Sakuma here now, heh..."

"You fuckin'- you _asshole_ , you- you scared the fuck out of me and Adonis!" Koga's voice is loud and a little overwhelming at the moment, but he manages to pick out notes of worry in the other's tone and can't disguise his confusion. 

"...Hakaze, you...passed out. Right out of nowhere. Just... crumpled to the floor after a few stuttered words, and that was it. Oogami ran out to get Sakuma immediately after." Adonis's voice was much gentler and soothing then Koga's frantic yelling, and Kaoru briefly wanted to thank Adonis for being so quiet for once. He blinked once, rubbing his eyes in mild confusion, before the events rapidly re-unfolded in his mind. _Ah, so he'd passed out from shock._

"That, I, oh...m'okay, promise, promise," He manages, pushing against the floor to try and get to his feet, gratefully accepting Adonis's outstretched hand in assistance. The room swayed uncomfortably around him, but he shook his head a few times and guided himself to the nearest wall to lean against.

"Are you sure?" Adonis questioned, concern evident in his face and voice, and Kaoru briefly finds himself wondering when he found the other so much easier to read. He nodded his head once and forced a weak smile with a nervous laugh, rubbing his head with one hand.

"Yeah, 'mgood, promise~ Just, got kinda lightheaded, I guess?" At least his stammer was easing up as the realization of the last events caught up to him. "How, how long was I out?"

"About 20 minutes, you asshole!" Koga's voice cuts through the music room at Kaoru's question, and it forces a weak, but genuine smile out of the blonde with a laugh. "Scared the fuck out of us, damnnit! What the fuck's your problem?! That's not- that's not how you respond to-" He splutters out at the end, and Kaoru swears there's a tinge of red on Koga's face. Rei simply watches in what he'd assume to be amusement, snickering softly to himself, before finally speaking.

"Respond to what, hmm? Did Kaoru finally ask you both out?" The vampire's words are practically purred, and Kaoru finds his face heating up before he really has a choice in the matter. 

"Y-yeah, I...yes, I did," Kaoru takes a deep breath, forcing himself to speak a bit slower. "I did, in fact, and...I got a yes, right?" He directs the last bit of his sentence to Koga and Adonis, more to confirm that he really _hadn't_ been dreaming that entire event. Koga doesn't say anything, but his face softens a bit and he takes a greater interest in the wall. Adonis coughs, and his face reddens a bit, but neither of them bother to answer. Rei lets out a much more audible laugh at the collective tone of the room, and smiles knowingly at Kaoru.

"Congratulations, then, Kaoru~ Though, I never thought you the type to faint from nerves, but...mm, first time for anything. I'm glad my advice worked for you~" 

"Y-you, you WHAT?! You gave him advice, vampire bastard?! Is that why the fuck you started bringin' up weird relationship shit at practice?!"

Kaoru cracks then, bursting into near hysterical laughter over Koga's facial expression, and nervous laughter, and just... laughter. He grins ear to ear at the lively feel of the music room, the comforting feeling of Koga and Rei bickering, and Adonis even cracking a smile at the situation. He feels butterflies in his stomach then, but the good kind, and as he eventually slinks down the side of the wall from laughing and crying too hard to keep himself steady on his feet, for the first time Kaoru feels a glimmer of hope that something good can come out of his life.

 

Lives are fun for Kaoru, and it keeps him going through the weeks. He lives for preforming onstage - their ranks are slowly climbing, and Kaoru's never seen Rei any happier then when he delivers the news to the rest of UNDEAD that they're climbing through the popularity ranks. They share that twinkle in their eyes, the happiness that preforming in UNDEAD brings, and Kaoru's already confirmed he'll go pro with Rei as soon as they can. Koga and Adonis would join them as soon as they could, of course.

He lives for messy makeouts with Koga backstage before and after their performances, with Koga's hand tangled violently in Kaoru's too-long and messy blonde hair, half their uniforms quickly discarded and forgotten on the floor and Kaoru's mumbling and teasing against Koga's mouth and between breaths. He does not live for when Rei walks in on the two of them, but he still enjoys seeing Koga's face redden as the wolf goes on an embarrassed tangent, because for all the embarrassment Kaoru might feel Koga's more open about it and it helps him save face, especially when Koga's so fucking cute when he's embarrassed. 

Kaoru also lives for tangling his fingers in Adonis's hair, laying on him affectionately after practice and dragging him to the beach, sneaking much more gentle and affectionate kisses on the roof of the school and before practice and laughing gently and happily whenever Adonis gets embarrassed over simple displays of affection. It's those nights he can spend laying on Koga and Adonis, dragging them to the beach and to all the nice cafes he remembers for dates - he's never really felt contentment and happiness until he found himself laying on the beach, his head on Koga's lap while Adonis skipped stones at sunset. 

UNDEAD helps him kick his habits of sleeping around, of not keeping a relationship for longer than a week - he cries when they hit their collective 1-month anniversary, because he's never been able to keep a relationship that long, and no one usually could tolerate him that long. And Kaoru thinks that for once, maybe he will live past high school. Maybe he will have a future with his unit- no, his friends. His boyfriends and his best friend. They weren't just a unit anymore, they'd slowly become a family, and he'd never felt happier about that.

Kaoru also thinks he's pushing his luck, and for every happy day he has he feels this creeping dread that the worst news of his life will come crashing down on him at any moment.

 

He gets kicked out at 18, of course. A month after graduation, he finally tells his dad about Adonis and Koga. Kaoru listens to the yelling, the cursing, the insults, the "I never raised you this way"s, he listens to it for about 20 minutes before he _snaps_ and goes on a rant of his own. 

Their discussion ends with a low threat of "get the fuck out". Kaoru packs whatever he gives half a fuck about into a bag and storms out of his former house within 20 minutes. His sisters watch in muted shock and horror, and he pretends he doesn't feel guilt, that tears aren't pricking in his eyes, when he sees the tears in their own eyes as he slams the door behind him.

He calls Rei after he gets a good distance away from his 'home'. His hands are shaking as he dialed the vampire's number, and his voice is unsteady and upset by the time Rei picks up.

"Hm...? What's going on, to make you call so late?" Rei's voice sounds more awake than Kaoru's ever heard him in person, and he almost makes a comment on it, but he doesn't.

"Can I crash on your floor tonight, Rei?" He doesn't mask the tiredness, the bitterness and the anger giving way to sadness in his voice.

"...Why? What's going on?" Rei's concern is masked, but not exactly impeccably. 

"I got kicked out."

"...Of course you can, Kaoru. Tell me what happened when you get here." 

Kaoru swallows, and feels his throat choke up in gratitude. "...Thanks, Rei. Just... thank you." He manages, before hanging up and starting the long walk to Rei's apartment - that _lucky_ motherfucker, he was able to move out so soon...

 

'A night' turns into a few weeks, and soon Kaoru's become Rei's somewhat unofficial roommate, considering he has no place to go and not exactly a stable job to keep himself afloat with. He fords what money he brought with him to help pay for the apartment and utilities, and Rei works a sidejob besides UNDEAD to keep them both alive. Kaoru's so unbelievably grateful, and he's also so unbelievably guilty.

He's glad that he can meet up with Koga and Adonis at any time now, no worrying his father would question or swear him out. And he does, he throws so much of his free time into spending time with them both - he's never been so grateful or felt so lucky that the two of them loved him and put up with him. And they do, and they let him know - Adonis's grown more used to public affection, and Koga's finally softened and let Kaoru see a much more romantic side of him that makes him melt a little.

He puts on a brave face, keeps up the facade he's had for years and pretends that he's not wracked with guilt for being so useless and so much of a burden to Rei. No use worrying the others, he thinks, and he tries his best to get a proper job to support him and Rei.

Kaoru gets odd jobs on the side, because he really doesn't have the strength to keep a stable job, and he finds himself going back to old habits, of flirting and seducing and eventually stripping for money, because he has a nice face and a smooth voice and his looks are all he's ever been good for. He doesn't say anything about it, but he feels equal parts happy and guilty when he can start paying Rei back for all the weeks he's been living with Rei.

Koga and Adonis join them the next year, and UNDEAD goes pro, all back together again and a happy family. Kaoru manages to afford his own, smaller apartment and moves out so that Rei has an easier time paying the bills. Adonis and Koga both stay with Rei, and Adonis manages to find himself a side job to help support the three of them. Kaoru only doesn't offer for them to stay with him because he'd rather die then let it be known how he earns his money.

UNDEAD doesn't get the fame they all need to make it their main job, and it doesn't improve in that year. They try their hardest, of course, they've been clawing themselves to fame since Yumenosaki, but he can see it in Rei's eyes after performances - it's not looking good for them.

Kaoru's income isn't steady enough to keep himself afloat with UNDEAD not hitting some sort of high success. He moves back in with Rei, and the four of them struggle to keep themselves afloat. Rei eventually invests in a bigger apartment for them all, and between Adonis and Rei, they're able to keep the necessities. Kaoru pays for food. 

Kaoru's mental state crashes harder then waves at the beach over the year, as UNDEAD continues to struggle keeping themselves afloat and relevant and the guilt racks up on his psyche. He's never felt more useless and gross, never felt more of a burden then he has trying to help keep all of them in one apartment. He starts to regret falling in love with Adonis and Koga, not because he doesn't love them - he loves them with all his heart, more than anything else, really. He regrets it because he realizes that the idea of him living past high school was nothing more then a painful, bitter fantasy. He knew he would just hurt them in the end, and yet he was still foolish enough to get this close to them both.

Kaoru tries to live for Adonis and Koga. It's true, all the sweet moments and kisses and lazy nights he spends with them both make everything worth it, it really does. He would absolutely live through another 18 years of guilt and self-hate just to see them happy, to hear Koga's genuine laugh and Adonis's sweet, dazzling smile. 

The problem is, he wasn't going to. 

He hits his breaking point after another failed Live, another worthless waste of time for the unit. He leaves without saying another word to the unit, and beelines it straight for their apartment - the others stay behind to talk strategy, new approaches to performance, and if they had the leftover money, a bite to eat. Kaoru slinks home, he walks and he takes over an hour, he digs through their medicine cabinets and finds their strongest sleeping medicine, and he storms off to the kitchen.

He's sick of this, he's sick of being useless and the guilt from how he earned money for the group and feeling worthless and realizing all his stupid high school dreams were just that, empty dreams and wishes. Kaoru honestly can't take it anymore.

He's never been one to go out softly, and he's not about to become another failed sympathy attempt. He holds no real will to live or stop himself, only the desire to not make this worse on everyone by _surviving_ this ordeal. He pours a literal glass of bleach, he drags himself to the bedroom he shares with Koga, and he feels a twinge of guilt as he sets down the things he'd gathered on his nightstand and drags his phone out.

He thinks about calling Rei to say goodbye, but he opts for a pair of simple texts instead - _"I'm sorry, Rei, thanks for everything"_ and _"Take care of Koga and Adonis for me, alright?"_ \- and drops his phone afterwards, empties whatever's left of the sleeping meds into his mouth and chases it the best he can with the, uh, "drink" he brought himself. It's awful, it's disgusting, he wants to throw up right then and there and it _hurts_ , but he forces himself to finish it and then collapse on his bed and curl up. 

Kaoru hopes Adonis and Koga aren't too mad at him for letting them get close to him, only to hurt them like this.

 

Rei's text notification goes off in the middle of Koga's sentence, and it cuts him off abruptly as all three of them turn to glance at Rei's phone. Texts to the vampire were a rarity now, and they all spend a few seconds in surprise before Rei grabs it to check. 

It's Kaoru, of course, and Rei beings to laugh as he opens his texts only to have it die in his throat. He spends a minute staring in slow, paralyzing disbelief, oblivious to Koga and Adonis's rapidly-growing concern and confused asks of "Rei? What's going on?", before frantically typing a reply and slamming his chair back to stand up.

> _Kaoru?? Kaoru? What are you doing? Are you okay?_

_(Of course, the text goes unnoticed, and Kaoru's phone goes off worthlessly on the floor.)_

Rei storms out the door with Koga and Adonis in confused, concerned pursuit, yelling after him - _"Rei, what the fuck is going on?!" "Sakuma? What's- what's happening?"_ \- but the vampire doesn't have the _time_ to respond to them until they all manage to reach the car they'd gotten there by. Rei slams the gas and breaks probably more than one speeding law in the process, and it's not until they're well on their way can Rei finally manage a reply.

"I- I think Kaoru's in trouble, fufu..." He coughs it out, takes one hand off the wheel to grab his phone and toss it into Koga's lap and focuses on the road. The car quickly grows into Koga's confused and horrified shouts and snarls, and Adonis's weak and - _scared_ isn't a word Rei would ever use to describe Adonis, but it was the only way to describe his voice at the moment - trembling voice heard below Koga's yelling.

Rei can't answer them, just keeps his eyes on the road and slams the gas pedal.

 

Kaoru doesn't get to see UNDEAD's rise to fame, painful and bitter every step of the way because Koga's finally snapped and swears Rei out every week just to vent his pain, and Adonis has never been less emotional, Rei's never seen Adonis less expressive and emotional since he met Adonis in Yumenosaki. And Rei, Rei feels like he's failed all of them, and he acts like the guilt doesn't eat him from the inside but it does. It does to all of them, because all of them think if they had _noticed_ how Kaoru was, how Kaoru _always_ has been that they could've helped him, supported him, prevented what happened. 

They say Kaoru left the unit, but that's a painful lie, and Rei hears Koga wheeze and cry and scream biweekly, and Adonis quietly comforts him when he wakes up from another night terror that began to plague the wolf as of recently as proof. Rei wishes Kaoru _had_ only left the unit. He also wonders if Kaoru had any idea of how broken he'd leave all of them, and wonders if it's selfish to wish he had considered how _they_ would feel.

Kaoru gets one wish he made, of course. He dies before his 21st birthday, still young and beautiful, because it was all he ever found himself good for.

**Author's Note:**

> i'll make all the content for kaoru/koga myself if i have to


End file.
